October 22, 2020

From Gerald R. Lucas

I Know Nothing covid-19: day 215 | US: GA | info

Because of my little soapbox rant yesterday, or maybe in spite of it, I realize that the more I read and learn the more I lack confidence in what I actually know. I am not clever. I am not cool. I am of average intelligence, middle-aged, a questionable educator, and I lament the books I’ll never be able to read before I die. I am full of self-doubt; I have body dysmorphia (according to Autumn); and I am often insomniac worrying about stuff I said or did the previous day. I want to be a revolutionary, a dissident, but I lack the courage and fortitude to do much more than post the occasional meme. Ultimately my life will amount to little, and the older I get, the less I’m invested in trying to stand against the wave of the world that keeps coming on.

20201022-kafka-meme.jpg

In our brief exchange, my brother implied that most of my family support ’Rump. He is correct, I’m afraid. The implication here is that, based on my meme, I think they’re all racist. Another implication is that I’m the black sheep—that my views are somehow askew. When he was first “elected,” I had a real dark night of the soul, to channel Fitzgerald. I was devastated and embarrassed for our country: we elected this man knowing full well who he was. Mom told me to give him a chance. I remember responding: I did give him a chance during the election where he proved to be utterly incapable of being a person who could uphold the mantle of the President of the United States. How could we sanction his behavior by electing him? It was such a slap in the face after 8 years of Obama. No, he was not perfect, but he was a damn good president. He was someone I could feel proud of—who represented the best of the US—someone I could point Henry to as a role model. What are we supposed to tell our children?

I guess this is still the question I ask myself. Can supporters of ’Rump say with a straight face that he is a role model for our children? That he is something to aspire to? What are the qualities that they admire? Seriously, I am baffled.

I know my brother would accuse me of being narrow-minded, of demonizing those I disagree with, of shutting down channels of communication where understanding, compassion, and compromise happen, but I have become cynical. I see none of these traits in those in power, nor do I see any effort to reach out, to be empathetic, or reasonable. Have I missed it? Am I in my own reality distortion field? Or am I being gaslit?

I may not know much, but I’m also not crazy. Maybe this up-coming election will prove it. I may not sleep until then.