June 16, 2024

Some Thoughts on Father’s Day

Being away from my family has proven to me that they are the most important part of my life. I really miss them—especially my boys. We make an effort to talk via FaceTime as much as we can, but Max doesn’t really get it, or he’s not interested, and Henry, too, seems distracted. I don’t like it much either, but at least we can say hello.

Being away, now going into week 3, has also shown me the importance of being present. Even if I pick Henry up from school and he does his own thing, at least I’m there for him, but we have to do more together. I’ve come to realize over the past few years that my dad wasn’t present when I was young. While I don’t want to make excuses for him, he was brought up in a time where the men of the house were the breadwinners and much of their contribution to the family took place in the public sphere. He was a businessman—a salesman, and he was good at it. Yet, that left little room to be a father. Even when he and Mom were still married, he was never around much—especially when we moved out of the condo into the house on Alderwood. That was the beginning of the end. After their divorce, I saw dad on the weekends sometimes, and he showed his love by buying me dinner and the occasional book.

Mom was always physically there, but it was difficult on her. She was raised with the idea that she needed a man to complete her life—to take care of her financially while she took care of his house. Goodness knows she tried to make that happen, but it never did. It was very difficult to live up to Mom’s expectations. There was always something just a bit sad and resentful about her, and Tim and I picked up on this. It’s not that she didn’t take care of us and support us, but she seemed to have expectations that were never truly satisfied. I feel like I’ve picked up some of the tacit attitudes, and they have become part of my personality. Mom was always judgmental; I can see that in myself.

A few days before I left, I had picked Henry up from school. He was crafting—making a mess as usual—and I was fixing dinner. I reminded him that he had to clean up when he was done, and he said “OK” and then asked me why I was sad all the time. This question hit me hard. I sat down with him and told him that I’m not—that he, his brother, and his mom are the most important part of my life—that I love him even though I don’t outwardly show it all the time. I wasn’t really sure what to say. I just know that I have to be more present with him and Max and show them how important they are. Show them the happiness they have brought to my life. I have to overcome those marks on my psyche that sometimes show in my personality.

Autumn sent me the page that Henry made for me at camp, posted here. It seems to confirm my fears: that all I care about is watching TV and him cleaning his room. I’ll do better, my son. Oh, and what is “Big Grany”?

Happy fathers day to all of those fathers trying and doing their best.